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| Ok, here's a random update of my life, in no particular order
School
I left school somewhere around the middle of November, for reasons I will discuss later. I was debating not coming back at all, but then I decided that I left too many things unfinished and returned after all. After a great deal of haggling and breaking the rules, I'm back in my old room with my old roommate who got married over break. Basically, that means I've got the room to myself, which is fine by me. Unfortunately, that means I am next door to Joe (I'll explain that later as well) but he stays in his room all the time so I never see him, which suits me perfectly. Amanda decided not to come back this semester, which is how I got my room back. I have my suspicions about why she's not here, but I'll keep those to my self since I don't know them for sure. Last I heard, she was moving to Ohio with her fiancee. I figure it won't be much longer until they get married.
I've changed my major this semester. Instead of doing Music Ed, I have decided to study Chemistry with Pre-Med and become a Pediatrician. I'm excited about this. From the time I was little bitty I've wanted to be a doctor. I think I would still like to be a teacher, but, quite frankly, I don't think I would be very good at it. That, combined with recent events, has made me change my career goals.
This semester has turned out to be great. Brit and I hang out all the time; we even have 2 classes together. We get along better than Amanda and I ever did, though I still value the time we had together. I've determined this is going to be a completely stress free semester. So far it has been, maybe not completely stress free, but a lot less dramatic at least.
Rocky moved out of Joe's room. Apparently he just moved out, didn't give Joe any warning at all. We haven't really become friends again, but we do interact in the same conversations and we don't completely avoid each other's eyes when we pass in the hallways. I think, since he's gotten out from under Joe's influence, we could almost become friendly again. Maybe not friends, but friendly.
Family
This is a tricky subject since it changes every couple of hours. Benjamin and I still aren't getting along, but we've stopped fighting all the time. Now we just have huge blowouts every couple of weeks. And when I say huge, I mean screaming, crying, and (yes, I'm serious!) hitting (on his part, not mine). They also involve me calling Jake up and hysterically moaning about how horrible my life is. As dramatic as that sounds, I don't stretch the truth that much during these cry fests. It just seems that way because I don't usually talk about everything in detail like that. Anyway, we tend to avoid each other most of the time. When I'm home, he goes to a friend's house or stays holed up in his room. His fiancee moved in last September or October, I forget when exactly. They've been making plans for the future. Unfortunately, the future changes every 12 hours. They've gone from going to school in Ohio to living with her brother-in-law in Florida to staying in Clinton. Last Saturday, they moved to Illinois with her mom and step-dad. My mom doesn't think that will last, but at least they are out of here for now.
My mom has started dating this guy that lives in Florida, Tim. The rest of my family met him in South Carolina when Benjamin graduated Basic. He graduated the day I moved up here, though, so I didn't go down and meet him. Ashleigh likes him a lot and I'm pretty sure my mom is going to marry him, so I'm sure he's a good guy. My mom has already decided that Ashleigh and I are going to be co-Maids of Honor. I'm excited about that. My mom and Ashleigh are moving down there this summer. Ashleigh is going to spend her last 2 years of high school there. She still doesn't know what she's going to do after that. That's ok, though, because she's still a Sophomore in high school. She's still got plenty of time. I am going to miss her, though.
Jake
What can I say about Jake? He's perfect, wonderful, and perfectly wonderful. Like I said above, he is wonderfully supportive and understanding. I'm sure he gets frustrated with my "woe is me, everything is horrible, get me out of here" routine, but he never says anything and he's a big help when I need to let loose. I met his family recently and I love them to death. They have their fair share of problems, but what family doesn't? I'm absolutely in love with his mom. She's so funny. She's used to being the only girl in a family of 4 guys. Now that there is another woman in the family, she's ecstatic. She just sent me a package with a vase, a really cute purse, and 4 bags of candy, just because she knew I would like them.
The rest of the Trokey/Johnson/Kraus family is equally amazing. After hearing all the horror stories Jake has told me, I was kind of scared they wouldn't like me. That couldn't have been further from the truth. They all took to me instantly. I spent Christmas with them this year. That was an experience! Christmas Eve, Uncle Tom and Aunt Beth hired a Santa to visit and give out presents. Jake's little cousin, Caitlin, was so excited. It was so funny watching her. Christmas day was spent at Jake's Grandma and Grandpa's. He "officially" proposed to me there. I think you could make a slide show from all the pictures taken and you would see the whole proposal. It made Aunt Amy cry, more than me, I think. After that, it was off to Aunt Julie's. Julie is actually Jake's great-aunt, but she's only 3 years older than his mom. Is that not funny? Shelley made Julie a great-aunt 3 times before she was a mother. Aunt Julie and Uncle Mike are also Jake's God-parents.
Next year, since my mom and Ashleigh are moving to Florida, I'm going to move up there to live with Jake. He's looking for an apartment in Rolla so we can go to school and live together. My family's not overly thrilled, especially my grandma, but Jake's family loves the idea. They are already setting up a Hope Chest for when we move in. I'm figuring on moving sometime in late June.
We're planning on getting married sometime June 2009. That gives us a year and a half from now, a year from when I move up there. I've started looking up colors and designs, mentally marking my wedding party, that kind of stuff. We're planning an outdoor wedding. It's going to be all sorts of exciting.
Joe
As promised, I'll give you a little on the Joe situation. The full story is too long to go into here, but most of you know what happened anyway. Basically, Joe was mad at me or scared I would 'betray him' in some way or just tired of being my friend. I don't know, I'll never know how that boy's mind works. Anyway, he'd been having a really bad time since he moved here to go to school. Finally, around the middle of October, he decided that my time was up. He called Jake and told him that I was sleeping with another man. Jake talked to me about it and believed me when I said I hadn't, but the damage had been done. I have not spoken to Joe since. Since then, most of Joe's friends back home have excommunicated him. That, combined with Amanda and Rocky leaving, and he's probably feeling very lonely right now. Ordinarily, being the kind of person I am, that would really bother me and I would cave, apologize, and go back to being his emotional punching bag. Maybe I'm stronger now, maybe I've grown up more, or maybe I'd just had enough, but right now, I just don't care. He has done too much damage and caused to much grief for me to worry about him. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I just don't care anymore.
The reason I had to leave school last semester was because I let him get to me. Plain and simple. He is a very good manipulator. He played me and played his little mind games on me so much that I just couldn't take it anymore. I withdrew from all of my classes and went home for about 2 months. Now I'm back, and, like I said, stress free, for the most part.
What Now?
I'm looking for a new job, but I doubt if I'm going to find one. I would only be there for 4 months before having to quit or transfer. I'm working in the theater this semester, which I'm absolutely thrilled about. Brit and I are taking an advance Costume Design class and it's loads of fun. I absolutely love it, except for the fact that we have to submit 5 sketches each week. This presents a real problem for someone as artistically challenged as I am. Other than that, though, it is amazing. I'm going to start in the costume shop in a week or two. I'm super excited.
I think that's about it for now. Have fun, stay out of trouble, don't do drugs, all that.
Later,
Sarah
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| I'm pretty sure you should be banned from doing Xanga survey's at 3 o'clock in the morning, but since we aren't, here goes: Only answer with one word. It's harder than you think! 1. Where is your cell phone? Pocket 2. Describe your boyfriend/girlfriend? Amazing 3. Your hair? Long
4. Your mother? Stressed
5. Your father? *No response* 6. Your favorite item? RENT 7. Your dream last night? Realistic
8. Your favorite drink? Juice
9. Your dream car? Convertible 10. The room you are in? Living 11. Your ex? Nonexistent 12. Your fear? Failure
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Mother
14. Who did you hang out with last night? Family 15. What you're not? Perfect 16. The last thing you did? Procrastinated 17. What are you wearing? Clothing 18. Your favorite book? RENT 19. The last thing you ate? Bread
20. Your life? Hectic
21. Your mood? Lethargic
22. Your friends? Supportive 23. What are you thinking about right now? Bed 24. Your car? Feet
25. What are you doing at the moment? Sitting
26. Your summer? Chaotic
27. Your relationship status? Wonderful
28. What is on your tv? Nothing
29. When is the last time you laughed? Today
30. Last time you cried? Tonight 31. School? Undecided See? I told you it should be illegal! Sarah | | |
| Most of you reading this will have no idea what I'm talking about, but I need a place to rant, so I apologize and I don't expect very many people to read this to the end. Since I have gotten to college, my stress level has skyrocketed. I have been taken to the hospital 3 times, twice by the ambulance. That is not normal. I have become so wrapped up in my friend's problems, that I am compounding my own to such an extent that I am drowning. Every time someone gets in a fight, I'm the one that brings them back together. Every time someone is stressed, I'm the one they come to for comfort. Every time someone has a problem with someone else, I'm the one they go to and ask to "just talk to them." All this is well and good, except for the fact that I'm failing three of my classes and I was just kicked out of marching band. MARCHING BAND, which I love more than anything. The field I want to spend the rest of my life teaching and doing. One of the only things that I am so passionate about that I will spend $14,000/ year to pursue. And I was kicked out because of circumstances beyond my control. I am just tired of being everyone's hero except my own. I have been here two months today. There are a lot of things I have been meaning to say, but I could never find the guts or the time. I'm going to say it now. I apologize to people if I upset you. I honestly don't want to ostracize you from my life. I simply want to live my own life. I simply want to be a music student getting ready for her wedding. I simply want to be me again. Joey, I tried to talk to you last night, but it was a fight to get in a word edgewise. Every time I talked for 5 minutes, you talked for 20 about how I was in the wrong, how I was mistaken, and how you were the one being hurt or taken advantage of. Since you are not here right now, I am able to just talk. Like I said, I don't know if you will read this or not, and I can't prevent you from just exiting out anyway, but please, at least hear me out. Since we have gotten here, you are a completely different person. Maybe I just haven't noticed, and your personality was the same when I knew you before, but now that we are living together, it has manifest. I don't like it. I miss the Joey I knew in TSA. These past 2 months, I have been at my wit's end trying to keep our friendship. It seems like every time we have a disagreement, or I don't let you know everything going through my mind at every moment, or whatever, you withdraw, threatening to hurt yourself or you go into one of your attacks so that I have to come running. This brings me to another point. This is where you are going to get mad at me. I don't believe your attacks are fake. I don't believe you are making them up. I will never say that. However, I do believe that you cause them. Let me explain before you get upset. I truly believe that you cause yourself to go into one of your attacks because you know Manda and I will come running and fuss over you and forget about whatever it was that we were mad at you about. There is a pattern there, you cannot deny it. Like I said, I don't believe it is an act, but I do believe you make yourself have issues. Point in case, one time when both Amanda and I were not talking to you, you disappeared. When the others were trying to find you and make sure you were ok, you would only send cryptic clues as to your whereabouts. The only way they would have been able to guess where you were was to ask me and Manda. "I am where Sarah first told me about her dad." Not even Jake knows that, much less Brit. The only way she could have found you was if I became active in the search. You knew that, and you planned it that way. Then you did the same thing to Manda later that day. Then, even later that day, you threatened to cut when you knew full well Rocky would tell Amanda. You were hoping Amanda would come running. When she didn't, you tried to make people believe that you didn't want her to know at all. That is complete and utter bull. You and I both know it. Now I'm sure you are not reading this, but if you are, I'm going to focus on me for a while now. You know what has happened to me my entire life. You know what has happened to me this summer. I am an emotional wreck anyway, but when you start your stuff and it causes me to stress and worry about you, it does not help my issues in the slightest. In fact, it only serves to compound them. My stress level is so high right now, and honestly, I think 98% of it is because of you. You cause me so much anxiety, whether it be about you and your problems, Manda and her problems, or me and mine. You are always in the thick of things, only serving to make a bad situation worse. Everyone can see this. Whether or not anyone says it to your face, everyone believes that. The reason I am so lost and so overwhelmed by everything is because I have let you make me that way. I know it is as much my fault as it is yours. I should never have let you affect me so much. I should never have been so influenced by you. I take as much responsibility as I lay on you. The day that I passed out on the field, I still was not talking to you. When you came into my hospital room, I was on the verge of passing out again. I was sick. I was tired. I was willing to agree with anything you said. When you promised me to try to change, when you promised you would work on our relationship, when you assured me that you were different, I was willing to believe you. The next day you were back to your same old stuff. My confidence in you shattered. There is more that I want to tell you, but I am so emotionally drained right now that I can't say anymore. If you are still reading this, know that I still love you and I still want to be your friend. However, I'm tired of always being the one to crawl back to you and apologize. I'm tired of always feeling like I have to fix it. I'm just tired. If you want this friendship to last, you are going to have to work on it. Rocky, I don't know you that well, which makes it all the more difficult to say what I'm about to. Again, I apologize if this offends you, but it is something that needs to be said. This morning, when you attacked me online, I was totally taken aback. I could not understand why you were being so vicious to me. Upon reflection, I have figured it out. I don't know what you and Joey talk about late at night, but whatever it is, you are completely taken in by it. When he plays the "Poor me, nobody loves me, everybody I've ever trusted has hurt me, pity me" card, you believe him whole-heartedly. I just think you need to know both sides of the story before you jump to conclusions and jump down my throat. Your fight with David was understandable, however, it was another stressor. I was worried about you that day, I was worried about both of you when I found out what happened, and I was worried about what I would say to David to make it all better. Fortunately for me, you guys worked it out on your own. That still caused me stress that I couldn't afford to have. Your interaction with Brit and Manda is also a cause of anxiety for me. You know me, you know I am the kind of person that hates to see anybody upset with another. When Joey and Amanda were fighting, I was beside myself trying to figure out what to do. Then, when I heard you were upset and Amanda for being upset at Joe, that just devastated me. The fact that you would get that upset over something that does not even concern you, it just appalled me. The same thing happened with the David-Brit fight. You won't talk to Brit because you know she isn't getting along with David. I just think that's wrong. At least find out what their side of the story is before taking sides. That's basically all I have against you. Your treatment of me this morning really set me off and it was the final straw, but I don't know you well enough and I haven't had enough interaction with you to really have a huge list of grievances. The same thing is true for you as I told Joe, I want to be friends with you, but you are going to have to make the effort. Now is where it gets really sticky: Amanda. I love you dearly. You are one of my dearest friends in the world. I want you to be in my wedding. I want to be friends with you for a very long time. There are some things, though, that, though I don't blame you for them, are definitely detrimental for me. Again, I worry about you so much and I have allowed that worry to consume me to the point that I feel like I'm drowning in everyone else's problems. Every time you have something wrong with you, everytime you have an attack, every time you get in a fight with Joe, I feel like I have to be there to soften the blow and make everything all better. I take responsibilty for that, I shouldn't have gotten so upset over your stuff that I agrivate my own. Here is where you get mad at me. I'm going to say the same thing I said to the others, I don't want to upset you, I don't want to cause you any undue anxiety, I just want to let you know how I feel. I honestly think you are making your problems out to be more than they are. That's just the way I feel. I don't know for a fact, I don't have the same issues as you, I don't know exactly how you're feeling. I do think, though, that you are making a huge commotion over something that doesn't need that much hype. I'm sorry if I've misread the situation, but that is how I see things. Another tough one, Brit. Really the only thing I can say to you is about the David thing. I feel like I'm in the middle of this fight. I feel like I'm being disloyal to you by spending time with him, but I feel like I'm being disloyal to him when I spend time with you. I just feel like I'm being ripped in half. This has nothing to do with you, I know. You are not the reason the situation has gotten so out of control, but you are a *very, very, very* small cause of my anxiety. David, like I said above, I feel like I'm stuck between you and Brit. I feel like you are getting upset at me when I spend time with her. I have to admit, I still can't figure out why you are so upset at her. I know what you have told me, the grievences she has committed against you, but I honestly think you are taking completely minor things and blowing them out of proportion to the extent that they become utter hatred. I think you are letting your passion marr your judgment. You are another cause of my stress right now. The issue with Tim is perfectly understandable, I know how you have arrived at your utter hatred of him. I'm not going to appeal to you to try to make up with him. Just know that I feel torn between you and him and I feel like I'm losing control of everything. I hope I haven't offended you or upset you, because I love you and I don't want you to think of me like you think of Brit. I want to keep our close friendship and amazing relationship. Tim, I love you and I cherish your insight. You bring a new look to things and I love talking to you about your theories and views. It is fascinating to me. The same thing I told David holds true for you, though. I feel like I'm being pulled in two between the two of you. The only time I can talk to you is if David is not around and every time I am with him and you are anywhere near, I have to come between you two so there is no violence. Every time this happens I feel stretched tighter and tighter and soon I am going to snap. Benjamin, I seriously doubt if you are reading this, but, on the off-hand that you are, I'm going to pour my soul out to you. I cannot understand why you hate me so much. You didn't used to. When we lived in the Carter Street house, we got along, at least as well as two little kids can. Since we have grown up, though, you have begun to hate me to such an extent that I'm scared to be around you. Every time I am around you, we fight and I feel like I am going to die. I will never understand why you stole that money from me, or why you continued even after that. I lost over $1000 to you alone. I know it was you, as much as you and everyone else tries to deny it and make excuses. I've accepted the fact that I will never get that money back, but I do want my brother back. You have no idea how much I want my children to know their uncle. If you don't change your tune dramatically, though, I don't see how we will even be on speaking terms for my wedding, much less have a close enough relationship that my kids will know you intimately. That is just the sad facts of things. There is more that I need to tell you, but I can't do it right now and in this media. I think I need a face-to-face conversation with you about everything. Like I said, I don't know how many people are reading this right now, but I just needed to articulate my feelings toward everyone. Since I am such a lousy confrontationist, this is the only way I see fit. I finally broke down and made an appointment with a psychiatrist. I need to leave in a little bit. Maybe between this and her I will start to recover my sanity. I just don't know anymore. If you are still reading this, thank you. I know I shouldn't have thrust all my anxiety upon everyone else, but I just needed a venue. Any words of insight would be more than welcomed. I'll let you all know periodically how I am doing. I'm pretty sure the once a week goal is shot, so I'm just going to try to update whenever I have time. Thanks for everything, Sarah | | |
| I was doing so well on my once a week goal, then I didn't write for more than two weeks. I am ashamed. Next week there will be another entry, I promise you that. Ok, the last two weeks have been super fun and exciting. Last weekend I went home with Manda. I got to see Jake for the first time since March. I was so happy. We spent almost 3 days together. I met his family, the Kraus side, anyway. They all seem really sweet. I was kind of nervous about meeting them because I thought they might not like me but my fears were put to rest. Now I just have to worry about the Trokey side. Jake's little cousin, Katlyn, is amazingly cute. I'm completely in love with her and I've only met her for about 10 minutes. It's too bad she'll be too old to be our flowergirl. I think she would really like that. Back home, we had a pretty tame week. Brit brought a friend over from Whiteman named David. He's a real sweetheart. He spent the last three nights here and he came back tonight. We instantly clicked, we get along really well. The game against Pitt State was today. Talk about stressful. We went into double overtime and just barely lost. I lost my voice screaming so loud. Manda and I came home and passed out. She slept for 2 hours and I slept for 4. The only reason I got up was because we had a karaoke party in my dorm house. I just got back, talk about exhasting. I barely have energy to type these words. I'm definintly going to turn in in a little bit. I think that's about it, nothing else has really happened of note. Oh, wait, last Friday I was elected Armoror of the Fencing Club. That's pretty exciting. Ok, that really is all. I will post next week, I promise. If not you all have permission to administer 40 lashes less one. Until next time, Sarah | | |
| Look at me, I fulfilled my once a week goal (for a week, at least)! Not a whole lot has been going on here as of late. We had an amazing game on Saturday. It was kind of overcast and chilly, at first anyway. Then, just as we were taking the field, the sun decided to come out and watch. I thought I was going to pass out. It was all I could do to stand and play the last songs. As soon as we were done and the football teams went back out the sun went back into hiding. Grrr. We have another game this Saturday. It's Family Weekend, so there's going to be a buttload of people. We're marching our full show, so it's going to pretty much rock. We're all super excited. Joey and I went to the Dance Club Teusday. That was amazingly fun. Due to unfortunate circumstances we missed the last two weeks, but we went for the third session. We had so much fun! We learned to Salsa and a couple other things. I'm super excited for next week. I tell you what, though, between fencing, marching band, and dance, my legs are killing me! I keep getting Charlie horses in my calves and shin splints in my shins. It's slightly painful, but I love every minute of it, so I'm not complaining. How about some pics? Here's all the people near and dear to me here at school.  This is my porn pic from the streets of KC. Unless you look closely, you can't see I'm wearning a shirt.
 There's my Timmy. He's one of the only photographers I've ever met who is photogenic. I love him to death.
 My suite-mate Amanda. Definitely my best friend here. We spend all our time together, which isn't that odd, seeing as we have practically every class together.
 My other suite-mate, Brit. Isn't she so pretty? She's a sweetheart.
 There's Tim's roommate, Brian. He's on the colorguard here. I love this picture of him.
 A candid shot of a couple kids across the hall, Nate and Willie. Nate is in a ton of my classes, too. Willie is in band with me.
 Another kid from across the hall, Alex. He plays alto (and he's amazing, by the way).
 One of my best friends in the entire world, Jake's brother, and my dance partner, Joey.
 I don't have any single pictures of Marie, so this will have to do. Marie lives down the hall. She's really quiet, but she's a lot of fun.
That's everyone that I have now. I'll try to get everyone else and upload them. Most everyone on this floor mesh so well. I love it. Now that I've taken a huge amount of bandwidth, I'll sign off. Until next time, Sarah | | |
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